Hey, Hi, Hello, Welcome to my brain.
And, welcome to my first ever "blog post". Honestly, I'm not sure if these will be a regular thing now, but also, they might be. Who really knows these things? Not me.
I guess this is just something that I've wanted to get off my chest, and what better way to do that than to vent to bunch of strangers on the internet who like looking at the silly little drawings I make? (Yeah, you're right, probably therapy. But, it's currently covid and late, so here we are.) And, before we get into it, I have no idea where I'm actually going with this or what my point even is, so forgive me if it's all a bunch of nonsensical rambles.
So, anyway, let me start this off by saying: Hey, Im Jodie, and I'm Bi.
Actually, maybe I'm Pan. But either way, whatever the label, I don't care about gender when it comes to dating.
The reason I feel the need to write about this isn't because I feel the need to "come out," but because I'm embarrassed to admit it. I'm ashamed to like other girls. Why? I don't know, let's discuss that together shall we.
As an individual, I am so openly supportive of other people's sexuality, gender identity, pronouns, transitions, and really feel strongly about LGBTQIA+ issues and equality. Yet, when it comes to myself, I refused for so long to accept the fact that I'm queer, and until now, couldn't really admit it to anyone. Maybe it's because I'm chronically embarrassed by my entire existence, but that's another discussion.
The thing the bothers me is that it all clearly stems from some kind of internalised-homophobia, like "yeah cool, people can be gay, as long as those people aren't me LOL." Kind of like a slightly toned down version of when your parents say they don't mind "the gays" as long as they're not 'plastered all over the telly when they're trying to eat their dinner' as two guys peck each other good-bye on Hollyoaks. And that's even worse to accept, because it means that somewhere deep down I still believe that being non-hetero is in some way 'wrong' - even if that's the complete opposite of what I actively think.
Although, I am incredibly aware that this is probably the reality for the majority of LGB people who are coming to terms with themselves, and that it is, unfortunately, the norm to feel shame; why wouldn't you feel shame when most of what you've heard growing up is that what you are is 'wrong, disgusting and immoral': I know that I'm definitely not alone in this feeling and also that it's definitely not my fault. However, I also know that a lot of these feelings can come from the fear of not being accepted, not only by society, but especially by friends and family. And, I guess that's why this is so confusing for me because we're living in a time now where it's more acceptable than ever to be out, to be different, to be 'non-hetero' and I know that none of my friends or family would even bat an eyelid, Most of them probably already think I'm a 'raging lesbian' anyway. I mean, ever since I've been going on nights out I've always been hit by "So, did you get a man last night?... OR A GIRL?! I DON'T MIND!!!" from my mum the next morning, so it's not like my parents would be an issue. And honestly, part of me thinks that maybe I just don't want to tell them because I'm too stubborn to admit to my mum that she was right. But you know what Nadine? you were.
Anyway, I think my reason for writing this isn't just that I like to overshare and talk about my feelings, I do, but also just to let anyone else who feels that same way know that they're not alone. And, while I know that's such a cliché thing to say, it does feel nice to just hear from someone who feels the same things you feel. So, if you are questioning your sexuality or identity, unfortunately it is completely normal to feel ashamed, but just know that you shouldn't. It is 100% okay to be who you are, and you don't owe it to anyone to be anything else. So much progress has been made in normalising queer identities, but we are still a long way from complete equality and acceptance, which means this will continue to be the reality for so many other people until we reach that point.
So, if you're reading this thinking "lol ok, can't relate," please continue to support the LGBTQIA+ community, educate yourself and also, really question your own beliefs, because I thought I was free from prejudice, but apparently I'm not, deep down. (and I'm actually gay.)
Anyway, happy pride month friends, feel free to send me a DM telling me about how shameful u feel for liking people with the same genitals as you*, and if you know me in real life then yeah, I guess I'm out now, feel free to never bring that up again.
(*ur genitals 100% do not define your gender, it just sounded funny to my stupid little brain.)